While the INFJ can and does invest in relationships in external ways such as in the practical and material, the INFJ’s attention is much more attuned and invested in the internal. Primarily, a shared connection of the internal world is the greatest gift an INFJ offers in a relationship.
The main approach to creating this connection is through cultivating harmony with their partner, as the INFJ believes that it will lead to deep connection and fulfilment for the couple. With gentle promptings for open vulnerability, the INFJ invites the other person to help create a world for them both to inhabit. For the INFJ, a fundamental reason for this shared reality is that it cultivates and insulates the ideal connection, allowing the resolution to all problems the couple face. Unfortunately, this core value can be a liability for INFJs if the other person does not share or recognise this value.
As a result, the INFJ’s attempts to connect can go unnoticed or be rejected. Coupled with the fact that the INFJ can persist with this approach for some time, a reaction is inevitable. The reaction could be mild or a quiet withdrawal, however when eventually overwhelmed by the ever-elusive connection, sometimes an equal and opposite full frontal verbal assault can be applied by the INFJ to try and be seen and heard. This approach unfortunately is equally ineffective as the offensive approach only promotes defensive posturing from their partner. As a result, the INFJ will usually withdraw to recover from the disappointment. (To watch my video on the INFJ Ni Defense Mechanism click here).
While it is common for people to use lies and deception to win an argument, most often the INFJ uses truth as a foundational tool in conflict to promote harmony. The combination of truth wrapped in a hostile delivery can confuse the partner, leaving them completely surprised by the attack and equally overwhelmed by the truth it contained.
As a result of repeated misconnections, many INFJs experience a phenomenon in relationships that I call “Hope Exhaustion”: a continual promotion of a connection while holding onto the hope of connection for a prolonged period. It could take months or many years, but this exhaustion has a breaking point that could be accompanied by the proverbial “INFJ Door Slam”. (To watch my video on the INFJ Door Slam click here).
Is it utterly perplexing for the INFJ that on one hand, they can see in fine detail the ins and outs of the problems of the relationship, yet on the other seem utterly powerless to change it. While it may appear self-evident; a self-aware, centred, and assertive approach is likely to yield much more favourable results for the INFJ. However as will be explained, this approach can be out of reach for some INFJs.
When a relationship does not work out, the INFJ may have processed much of the “Why it didn’t work out” while still in the relationship. We will call this area of processing the “External Why” because it tends to focus on the problems in the relationship, the inadequacies of the other person, and what was not working. While for some relationships, this may be all that is required to successfully move on, for some INFJs there can be a deeper issue that could be plaguing their sincere efforts to build relationships. In these cases, only unpacking the External Why can short-circuit the potential inner change required for success in future relationships.
While the INFJ is seeking an internal connection and experience with their partner, ironically the “Internal Why” to the relationship problems, which is an inner examination, is harder for the INFJ to answer. This issue could be the INFJ’s Achilles heel: not being able to see or answer the Internal Why that could be disrupting their goal for a shared inner connection with another person.
The Internal Why could be expressed as ‘Why was I in so much pain? Why was I attracted to this person? Why does this keep happening? Why am I continuing to try harder and harder even though it is not working? What could be in me that led me to put up with an unsatisfying relationship for so long?
The possible answers to the Internal Whys are numerous. However, a common thread running throughout many INFJs experiences (and any other personality type for that matter) is that they are acting out their childhood wounds, and attachment style modelled from their parents or significant caregiver(s) with their partners.
From my counselling experience, this is a big part of my work with people: helping clients, both individuals and couples, figure out the Internal Whys in themselves that led to a problematic or even damaging relationship.
The INFJ (and their partner) is often trying to get their unmet childhood needs met and or heal their childhood attachment wounds unconsciously through the connection with their partner. This approach serves to avoid the pain of the wounds that the approach is seeking to heal. That is why the INFJ is hamstrung from being able to occupy an open, non-defensive space that openly invites the partner in - it is terrifying. This also helps explain that while the INFJ has a very clear picture of the problems in the relationship, they cannot facilitate change. Put simply, the INFJ has a relationship problem with themselves that they cannot see that it sabotaging and even helping create the other problems in their relationship they can see.
To be clear, the INFJ’s desire and ability for connection and their pursuit of it is not a dysfunction. It is a natural trait and need (even a gift). However, due to relationship trauma experienced in childhood, this trait has been unwittingly hijacked by a protective part in the INFJ to attempt to resolve the trauma – which it cannot, at least not in the way it hopes it will. This part ironically brings on the very pain it is seeking to avoid by often choosing just the right partner to trigger the right kind of pain that eventually helps uncover the wounds so they can heal.
Understandably the pain can be so great that the INFJ can feel the only solution is to door slam the relationship to survive it. Of course, there can be cases that this is the only and best decision, however in other cases, the door slam may also act as an inner door slam within the INFJ cutting them off from a part of themselves that holds a key to relationship success. The key being unresolved family of origin issues sophisticatedly buried beyond introverted intuitions awareness.
Is it possible for an INFJ to work through the Internal Why while still in a relationship? Absolutely. However, due to the powerful nature of attachment that locks couples into a satisfying and unsatisfying dynamic, when these problems threaten to emerge, they are unconsciously avoided, leading to an end to the relationship.
Contemplating the Internal Why can be a valuable exercise as it can lead to tremendous inner growth. For couples that can recognise and respond openly to these opportunities, depending on the circumstances, it can bring about positive change for both the INFJ and their partner and could breathe new life into their relationship.
Some might be thinking “but what if the INFJ is in a relationship with a narcissist”? While this is an important question worth examination, the only addition in this article in that respect is that any changes the INFJ can make, the dynamic with a narcissist is unlikely to change and/or is likely to get worse due to the narcissist’s attempts the sabotage the INFJ’s growth. Other than that, the focus of this article is relevant regardless of whether the INFJ is/was in a relationship with a narcissist or not. (To watch my video on How the Narcissist Entraps the Empath click here).
A failed relationship takes an incredible toll on the inner world of an INFJ. Despite the possible judgement and shame that can come from the external world, no one is harder on the INFJ than themselves. The reality is relationships sometimes do not work out, and while not necessary for change, for some INFJs a break-up can be a breakthrough, leading to uncovering and overcoming the underlying wound(s).
If this article rings true for you, then this is a time to not just grieve the loss of an External relationship (if that is where you are at), but also contemplate the celebration of a new Internal relationship with Self that will be gained through examining the Internal Why, which will transform yourself and your relationships.
When this kind of work is accomplished, the INFJ’s natural ability to develop a deep connection with another is elevated, as the INFJ is no longer unconsciously seeking to heal trauma through a relationship. With a renewed relationship with Self, the INFJ is free to be in a relationship in a way not previously possible. This lays a foundation for the INFJ to grow in their relationship consciously, working through any issues that come up, both internal (self) and external (couple) issues.
For those that may be amid a break-up or even a divorce, or have come to realise that there are Internal Whys that need to be worked through, it is not something anyone wants to go through, however, it has been said that:
“The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.” Will Rogers
Scott Morgan is a professional Counsellor and a certified Myers-Briggs Type Indicator practitioner. To make a booking enquiry click here, or to find out more about what we do click here.
To watch the video version of this blog click here!